Years ago, writer Sara C. began to feel a strong connection with a coworker, despite being married for 14 years. Their friendship became flirtatious, leading to regular communication and coffee dates. Eventually, they slept together, and Sara realized she had invested in a figment of a relationship that became real, to the detriment of her marriage. Many people in committed relationships may find themselves in similar situations due to boredom, complacency, or unresolved frustration, elevating the connection with others.
These lingering connections are often referred to as backburner relationships. Defined as a person one is not committed to but maintains communication with for future romantic or sexual involvement, backburners provide a safety net in case primary relationships fail. This concept, also known as cushioning, is a premeditated form of rebounding that indicates an inability to exist without a relationship. By seeking something missing in the primary relationship through a backburner, individuals deny themselves the opportunity to address challenges and communicate with their current partners.
According to marriage and family therapist Elisabeth LaMotte, cushioning can lead to secret flirtations with someone who represents an exaggerated rebellion against challenges in the primary relationship. The pursuit of backburner relationships often stems from the belief that the grass is greener on the other side, potentially causing individuals to undervalue their current relationships. Once pursued, these relationships may fizzle out quickly, forcing individuals to confront unresolved issues and complexities, as seen in comedian and writer Xavier Toby’s experience with a backburner that distracted him from dealing with the pain of a breakup.
Toby describes backburner relationships as providing a temporary jolt of validation that may be missing in a turbulent relationship, comparing them to sugar – instantly gratifying but lacking nutritional value. Dating coach Samantha Burns warns that cushioning is unfair to both current partners and backburners, as it stems from insecurity or dissatisfaction in the primary relationship. To address these issues, individuals should reflect on their motivations for seeking external validation and consider refocusing on their primary relationship with intentionality and communication.
By being more mindful and introspective about their feelings and needs, individuals can determine whether they want to remain in their primary relationship and actively communicate with their partner to address any challenges or issues. Instead of seeking validation outside the relationship, successful couples turn inwards and work together to strengthen their bond. Ultimately, the pursuit of backburner relationships may provide temporary satisfaction but can prevent individuals from addressing deeper issues within their primary relationships, highlighting the importance of self-reflection and open communication in maintaining a healthy and fulfilling partnership.
