Niro Feliciano, a therapist and author, discusses the topic of people-pleasing in her work. She reflects on her own experiences of being a people-pleaser early in her career as a therapist, where she would avoid confronting uncomfortable characteristics of her clients in order to make them feel better. However, she soon realized that this approach was hindering their self-healing process, as therapy is meant for clients to do the work themselves. Feliciano emphasizes the importance of doing the work oneself before helping others in therapy.
People-pleasing is described as the habit of putting others’ needs above one’s own, often driven by insecurities and a desire to be liked. Common behaviors of people-pleasers include struggling to say no, apologizing excessively, and avoiding conflict. While these qualities can be beneficial in fostering healthy relationships, they can also lead to feeling depleted and taken advantage of when boundaries are not set. Feliciano provides a list of 10 signs that may indicate a tendency towards people-pleasing, such as excessive apologizing and avoiding confrontation.
The root causes of people-pleasing behaviors are often traced back to childhood experiences where meeting others’ needs was a way to receive love and approval. Some individuals develop people-pleasing tendencies as a trauma response, learning to prioritize others’ needs in order to maintain peace in their environment. Feliciano suggests that practicing self-compassion and building awareness of one’s own needs are essential steps towards overcoming people-pleasing tendencies. She advises learning to tolerate negative emotions in healthy environments as a way to move past these patterns.
Although people-pleasing may feel normal to those who exhibit these behaviors, it comes with a high cost, impacting mental and physical well-being. Research shows that people-pleasers often experience chronic stress, leading to increased cortisol levels, inflammation, and decreased immune response. Additionally, people-pleasing can harm relationships by prioritizing others over oneself and causing resentment towards partners and children. Feliciano stresses the importance of setting boundaries, practicing self-compassion, and prioritizing self-care to break free from people-pleasing patterns.
To stop people-pleasing, Feliciano recommends practicing saying no gracefully, stopping excessive apologizing, and evaluating the cost-benefit of taking on tasks. Setting aside time for self-care and delegating tasks to others can help prioritize one’s own needs. She encourages individuals to validate themselves and treat themselves with the same grace and understanding they would offer a friend. By taking small steps towards self-awareness and boundary-setting, individuals can begin the process of healing from people-pleasing tendencies and lead healthier, more fulfilling lives. In conclusion, overcoming people-pleasing requires self-compassion, setting boundaries, and prioritizing one’s own needs in order to cultivate relationships that are life-giving rather than draining.
