A new study on the ways people make requests of one another suggests that “please” might not be an all-purpose marker of politeness, but rather a more focused, strategic tool to manage frictions or obstacles among family members, friends, and even coworkers. The study, published in Social Psychology Quarterly and authored by a team of sociologists from UCLA, shows that people say “please” much less often than expected, and mostly when they expect a “no” response is forthcoming. Non-strangers use “please” to sweeten a request when they know the other is likely unwilling, either because they have resisted already or because they are busy doing something else.
The findings of the study suggest that there should be less emphasis on teaching prescriptive, “one-word-fits-all” principles, and more focus on being sensitive to the particulars of a situation. According to Andrew Chalfoun, a graduate student studying sociology and lead author of the study, any generic rule like saying “please” and “thank you” may not always indicate respect or politeness and may not be very effective. In fact, saying “please” could even be harmful in certain situations. For example, in the wrong context, saying ‘please’ may risk sounding pushy or doubtful about another’s willingness to help.
For the study, researchers observed and analyzed 17 hours of mostly informal, naturally occurring conversations that were recorded on video among family members, friends, and coworkers, with a few exchanges involving strangers. The conversations took place during everyday activities across a range of settings, involving British and American English speakers from diverse racial, ethnic, and socioeconomic backgrounds, and varied age groups. Out of more than a thousand distinct “request attempts” observed, “please” was used only 7% of the time, mostly when there was a foreseen obstacle to overcome, and not due to perceived subordination or a need for deference.
The study also found that in about half of the instances when someone used “please” while making a request, it was because the person they were addressing had already indicated they were unwilling to act as requested or had previously refused. In another third of cases, the person was engaged in an activity incompatible with the request being made. The researchers also observed that children say “please” about as often as adults, in similar situations. The team hopes that by observing how politeness works in everyday life, researchers can gain better insight into the dynamics underlying social behavior and provide better models for understanding social norms.
The researchers believe that every community has explicit norms that define what counts as polite or respectful conduct, especially when taught to children or newcomers to the community. By understanding whether these norms are followed in everyday life or if there are more tacit norms that better explain people’s conduct, the team aims to provide researchers with better models for understanding social behavior. Overall, the findings of the study shed new light on the use of “please” in requests and the nuances of politeness in various social interactions, highlighting the importance of context and sensitivity in communication.