Summarize this content to 2000 words in 6 paragraphs
Snap. Crackle. Pop.
Named for Ceres, the Roman goddess of agriculture, breakfast cereal was originally developed by a religious fanatic and nutritionist spa owner named James Caleb Jackson, who believed consuming dry pellets of unprocessed grain could improve digestion, stave off drunkenness, and cure people of the unholy urge to masturbate, according to The Pilot.
Dare to dream JCJ.
Though Americans take credit for the state of cereal as we know it, archeological evidence suggest something similar to Cheerios was consumed by our Bronze Age ancestors. For latter-day foodies and fancy f**ks, there’s this $50 box of miniature croissant cereal available from Brooklyn Heights bakery L’Appartement 4F.
Elitist pastry people aside, millennials are being billed as “cereal killers” as the generation of ghosting, quiet quitting, and self-care is less likely than their predecessors to start their day or numb their pain with a bowl of cereal. But all hope is not yet lost. Representing Gen-Z is Leo lip kit kingpin Kylie Jenner, who shooketh the world in 2K18 when she documented the life-changing effect of adding milk to her cereal for the first time.
In honor of Kylie and Ceres and National Cereal Day on March 7, we bring you a list of the zodiac signs as cereal boxes. Pour it out and eat it up, my babies.
Cornflakes
The first-born sign in the zodiac, Aries, is ruled by the warrior planet Mars.
In kind, Corn Flakes is the cereal born from sibling warfare betwixt two Kellogg brothers.
The younger of the two, W.K. Kellogg, a card-carrying Aries, was the first to suggest adding sugar to the previously bland flakes and the first to conceive of putting a toy prize in every box.
In further, flagrant fire sign fashion. W.K. offered a free box of cereal to women who winked at grocers, and the Corn Flakes mascot is an unapologetically loud rooster named Cornelius.
Reese’s Puffs
Launched during Taurus season in 1994, Reese’s Puffs are as absolutely decadent as the sign itself. While bulls charge when they “see red,” Taureans black out when they feel hungry, making this cereal equally delicious when eaten by the dry, desperate fistful or with milk and spoon, a quick-hitting fix.
Trix
Noted TikTok therapist (you heard me) Jeff Guenther maintains that lovers of Trix cereal are “chaotic” and have “no idea” what they want in a relationship.
He added that, much like the name implies, fans like to play tricks on their partners and are usually “scared of [their] own emotions and run from true vulnerability.”
In turn, they won’t stick around for long and will “lily pad” through different relationships.
True of Trix, true of Gemini.
Honey Nut Cheerios
Cancer is ruled by the moon, and natives often move through the world with a sense of emptiness they attempt to fill with old movies, romantic delusions, and childhood flavors they recall wistfully and incorrectly.
Cheerios, in taste and shape, represent that proverbial hollow moon.
Frosted Flakes
Big on boldness and shaky when it comes to subtlety, Leo will be the first to tell you that they’re great. An affirmative self-concept shared by fellow big cat Tony the Tiger and his cloyingly sweet, sparkle-coated cereal.
Special K
By number and by birthright, Virgo is the most common zodiac sign and oft needs to be reminded of their “specialness.”
We see you and we love you.
Virgos are big on restriction and, as rulers of the sixth house of daily habits, are peculiar about consumption and nutrition. Prone to seek extreme measures in the name of health and wellness, this is the sort that will subsist on cotton balls and vinegar or go all in on the ill-advised Special K challenge.
Check out more of The Post’s food astrology content:
Cinnamon Toast Crunch
Libra is ruled by Venus, the planet of love, flirtation, and finery, and the sign lords over the seventh house of partnerships.
Relationship expert Jeff Guenther describes devotees of Cinnamon Toast Crunch in ways that eerily mirror the people of the scales and balances, “You have refined taste, and it shows based on who you’re attracted to. You don’t mind being a trophy because you want your sweetie to flaunt you around town. It’s important that people are envious of your relationship and that’s obvious based on what you post online. You’re showy, but that’s OK because you can pull it off. You crave validation and can easily get it.”
Facts.
Rice Krispies
If Scorpio were a cereal, it would be Rice Krispies, whose signature Snap, Crackle, Pop sounds like a spell being cast or the dark tune of execution/dismemberment, both of which fall in line with the witchiest sign in the zodiac.
Lucky Charms
You can’t keep a Sagittarius down. Buoyant AF, they fly by the seat of their pants and survive on sheer luck, cheap charm, and tall tales.
Not even side effects like neon green s**t can dampen their spirits nor dull their shine as they keep an eye cast on the rainbow and bet their luck on the pot of gold or cereal box stuffed with blow.
Cap n’ Crunch
The creator of Cap n’ Crunch credited the success of the cereal to its “want-more-ishness” flavor profile, a metaphor, if there ever was one, for the striving, capitalist nature of the average Capricorn.
On a vocational level, sea goats make for natural sea captains as they look great in structured uniforms and live to bellow commands to underlings.
Fruit Loops
Aquarius energy lives to push boundaries and make others uncomfortable with their unusual agendas. Keen on going where no one has gone before, these people have no fear of shaving off their eyebrows or drinking purple milk.
Ruled in part by Uranus, the planet of chaos, these are the sort to put Fruit Loops on pizza just for the f**k of it.
Dare always to be dangerously different, my dudes
Raisin Bran Crunch
In a surprise to no one, the man credited with creating granola, a precursor to Raisin Bran Crunch, John Harvey Kellogg, was a Pisces.
True to the dichotomy of this sign, which swings and swims between nihilism and progress, insanity and imagination, and thus ranks at #2 in our list of the most dangerous zodiac signs, Kellogg was a hate-mongering hippie, both socially progressive and the kind of monster who donated his entire fortune to eugenics research.
Astrology 101: Your guide to the star
Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and irreverently reports on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes integrate history, poetry, pop culture, and personal experience. To book a reading, visit her website.
