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From November 1 onward to New Year’s Day, we Americans are inundated with the background sounds of the most wonderful time of the year.
For some, its fa-la-la-la f–k off, with a quarter of retail employees citing holiday music as a source of psychic strain and emotional damage.
Still, crippling carols and all, Christmas music is an enduring piece of our national landscape.
In the words of Post columnist Rich Lowry: “American tastes have drastically changed over the decades, yet our Christmas songbook has remained largely the same. With honorable exceptions — most notably Mariah Carey’s 1994 classic, “All I Want for Christmas Is You” — the most-played and most beloved Christmas songs date from the 1930s and the couple of decades after.”
In honor of the songbook of the season, we’re matching a Christmas anthem with each zodiac sign. Read on, listen loud, and be merry and bright.
“Father Christmas” – The Kinks
Aries is punk rock energy incarnate, coming out of the gate with an axe to grind, a fire to start, a sneer to share, and a mall Santa to rough up.
Kinks guitarist Dave Davies recalls of the song: “I love the humor of it, and the aggression and bitterness. I could see the faces of my parents when Christmas came around. They had to struggle to make ends meet. We kind of got what we needed, but there was something fake about the holiday.”
Humor and aggression? Calling out bull—t to the tune of Christmas bells? Unrepentant ram energy.
“Christmas in Hollis” – Run DMC
Taurus rules the second house of material goods and earthly delights, and this banger tells the tale of a park-roaming, wallet-finding good samaritan rewarded with a million in cold cash, a warm yule log, and a belly full of macaroni and cheese. A Taurus poem.
“The Little Drummer Boy” – Frank Sinatra
Leave it to a Gemini to fail to bring a gift for a newborn demi-god and improvise with a drum solo. Pure mutability, pa rum pum pum pum.
Runner up for Gemini yuletide banger is Brenda Lee’s “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree,” which encourages singing, twirling, and merry-making over reflection or sentiment. To add to the adaptable, bankable energy of Gemini, according to Lee, Johnny Marks, the man behind the song “was Jewish and didn’t even believe in Christmas. He said he wrote it on the beach in New York [while watching] the pine trees swaying in the summer.”
“Last Christmas” – WHAM!
The late great George Michael was a Cancer king, and this Christmas banger is positively awash in those cardinal, emo waters. Still, lamenting a doomed love affair an entire year later? Passive aggressively suggesting your ex had a soul of ice and was taking advantage of your compassionate nature and shoulder pad to cry on? Pure Cancer.
For further evidence, see the video above, where our tender-hearted, feather-haired George can be seen brooding and drinking, the twin tenants of a Cancer scorned.
“All I Want For Christmas Is You” – Mariah Carey
Leo is the sign of royalty, and HRH Mariah Carey is the uncontested Queen of Christmas.
While MC is herself an Aries, this classic sings to the spirit of the lion pride. Leo is a fixed fire sign that rules the heart, demanding absolute allegiance and utter worship from their loved ones and acolytes. Very on brand for a Leo to eschew presents and snow in exchange for the promised entirety of another person.
“White Christmas” – Bing Crosby
A holiday without blemish or upset? A covetable kind of Christmas for the purifying Virgo. Runner-up is “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,” as Virgo is oxygenated by being underestimated — no song nor story encapsulates the spirit of the underdog, or under-reindeer if you will, like “Rudolph.” In the major arcana of the tarot, Virgo is represented by the Hermit who, like Rudolph, illuminates for others a way out and through.
“Happy Xmas (War Is Over)” – John Lennon & Yoko Ono
Mr. John Lennon, the most famous Libra in musical history, singing an earnest anti-war duet/appeal for peace and inclusivity in troubled times alongside his wife and the Harlem Community Choir? Venus at its highest and most hope-filled expression.
Of promoting peace Lennon reflected, “Now I understand what you have to do: Put your political message across with a little honey.” Sweeten the hard truths and softly sing your agenda? Libra to the hilt.
“River” – Joni Mitchell
Sounding like someone dragged “Jingle Bells” down to the underworld, Scorpio sage Joni Mitchell sings the song of her people.
Moody, self-loathing, and beautiful in the way only funerals, turtlenecks, and frozen longing can be, “River” is the anti-Christmas Christmas song, the morose-over-merry anthem of all who love and lose — those sad f—s who are loneliest in a crowd and safest plumbing the depths of the human psyche.
“Feliz Navidad” – José Feliciano
This song sounds like a party, and that’s really the MO of every Sagittarius who ever raised a jug of wine or arrow to the sky. The repeating chorus, “Feliz Navidad / Próspero año y felicidad,” translates to “Merry Christmas, a prosperous year and happiness,” an apropos sentiment for the sign of luck, lemons into lemonade, expansion and good fortune.
“Fairy Tale of New York” – The Pogues
The late Shane MacGowan, lead singer of The Pogues, was a card-carrying Capricorn, having been born unto us on Christmas Day in 1957. This holiday classic, written from the reflective vantage of a down-on-his-luck lover spending Christmas Eve in a drunk tank, is refreshingly void of sentiment (just like a sea goat likes it) but still carries with it a hard-boiled high note for hope.
“Do They Know It’s Christmas?” – Band Aid
Aquarius is the sign of community organizing and humanitarian responsibility. In kind, “Do They Know It’s Christmas” was conceived as an anthem of awareness to raise money for those affected by the Ethiopian famine of the mid-1980s.
Featuring unflinching footage and a cast of musicians, including Duran Duran, George Michael, Boy George, Bono, and Phil Collins, the song and accompanying video raised $10 million for the cause in a single year.
While Aquarius is driven by revolutionary zeal and utopian ideals, their crystal visions oft crack under the weight of mismanagement.
Case in point: a 1986 exposé in “Spin Magazine” reported that proceeds from “Do They Know It’s Christmas” as well as Geldof’s follow-up projects “We Are the World” and Live Aid, may have unintentionally helped African dictator Mengistu Haile Mariam buy weapons from Russia. Yikes.
“I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday” – Wizzard
A Christmas classic brought to life by a glam rock band who appear very much to be strung out on Santa, mainlining glitter and snorting cheer in this trippy video, “I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday,” perfectly suits the escapist tendencies, tinseled temperaments and sugar plum preferences of the Pisces ilk.
Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and irreverently reports on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes integrate history, poetry, pop culture, and personal experience. To book a birth chart or transit reading, visit her website.
