During her pregnancy, the author experienced a sense of dread and unfulfilled longing for motherhood, despite having previously yearned for a baby. She found herself recoiling from the idea of holding infants and struggled to admit her true feelings to those around her. Desperate for answers, she sought the help of a psychic who suggested that her own sense of being unwelcome in the world as a fetus was manifesting in her current struggles with motherhood. This belief was reinforced by a conversation with her own mother, who admitted to similar feelings of uncertainty during her pregnancy with the author. This revelation led the author to believe that she was inherently incapable of providing a welcoming environment for her own child, due to the cycle of generational trauma.
Convinced that her depression during pregnancy was a result of deep-seated emotional issues, the author turned to online forums for support and validation. There, she discovered that she was not alone in her feelings of ambivalence and fear towards motherhood. Many other women shared similar experiences of prenatal depression, regardless of their initial desires to become mothers. Some even noted a correlation between their reactions to progesterone birth control and their struggles with depression during pregnancy. This newfound sense of community provided the author with a sense of relief and understanding, as she realized that her feelings were not uncommon or insurmountable.
The author’s emotional journey continued as she grappled with the conflicting desires of her heart and mind. She struggled to reconcile her longing to be a mother with the overwhelming sense of dread and uncertainty that consumed her during her pregnancy. Despite her efforts to portray a sense of positivity and excitement to those around her, she found herself drowning in a sea of doubt and fear. The weight of generational trauma and the belief that she was destined to repeat the mistakes of her family weighed heavily on her, casting a shadow over her impending motherhood.
Through her interactions with the psychic, her mother, and the online community, the author slowly began to confront her fears and doubts surrounding motherhood. She came to understand that her feelings of unworthiness and unpreparedness were not unique to her alone, but rather a shared experience among many women. This realization allowed her to begin the process of healing and self-acceptance, as she acknowledged the importance of addressing her mental health and seeking support during this challenging time. By sharing her story and connecting with others who had similar experiences, she found a sense of solidarity and empowerment that helped her navigate the complexities of pregnancy and motherhood.
As the author’s pregnancy progressed, she continued to grapple with her conflicting emotions and the weight of generational trauma. She began to challenge the narrative that she was fated to repeat the mistakes of her family, recognizing that she had the power to create a different path for herself and her child. By seeking out support from a variety of sources and sharing her story with others, she was able to confront her fears and doubts head-on, paving the way for a more positive and hopeful future. Through this journey of self-discovery and healing, the author learned to embrace both the challenges and joys of motherhood, knowing that she was not alone in her struggles and that there was strength in vulnerability and authenticity.
